Female Sexuality
Health Services > General Gynecology > Female Sexuality

It is very hard to say what "normal" is in sexual feeling and activity. Some people have social definitions about what is normal in sex, like "It's NORMAL for the man to always make the first sexual advances," or "It's NORMAL for women to like sex less than men do." This page is not about what different people feel is right or wrong. It's about the physical and emotional things that make sex pleasant and pleasurable.

What is an Orgasm?

It is very hard to describe an orgasm in words. Each woman experiences orgasms differently. Some say it is a "warm, good feeling" all over the body. Other women describe it as "being swept up in a wave of pleasurable sensations."

In the body, orgasm is several different things happening at once. As you become sexually excited (by physical stimulation during sex or while masturbating, or by seeing or thinking something exciting), tissue around your uterus and other pelvic organs swell up with blood. This is called erectile tissue. In men, erectile tissue is in the penis, but in women it is located inside the pelvic area. The nerves that get excited and lead to orgasm are mostly in your clitoris and there are some in your vagina.

When your clitoris gets enough constant stimulation and you get as excited as you possibly can, the muscles in your pelvis start contracting and push the blood out of your erectile tissue and back into your blood stream. That's an orgasm.

Should I Have an Orgasm Every Time I Have Sex?

Most women have one orgasm at a time and some have more than one. Many women don't have an orgasm each time they have sex or masturbate. These are ALL NORMAL situations.

Some women are pre-orgasmic. This means that they have never had an orgasm. Some women have had orgasms in the past, but find that they can't have any now.

There are many reasons why women have difficulty in reaching orgasm.

• Sometimes there is a physical cause, so it is always important to have a medical check-up before getting other kinds of help.
• Sometimes not having orgasms is just from not knowing how.
• Sometimes not having orgasms is from emotional causes, like self-consciousness, guilt or shame, feelings that sex is "bad," or fear of being assertive about what you want and need in sex.
• Sometimes it helps to talk to a trained counselor about your feelings about sex so she/he can help you figure out what might be making it hard for you to have orgasms.

Pain With Intercourse

If you have pain almost every time you have sexual intercourse, something is wrong. Sex shouldn't be painful. Pain with intercourse may have a physical cause so it is very important to have a doctor examine you to see if she/he can find the cause.

If there is no physical problem, the pain you have may be "mechanical":

• If you are not very sexually aroused when you start to have intercourse, your vagina may feel dry, not moist and lubricated. This dryness can lead to stretching, burning or chafing kinds of pain. You may need to talk to your partner about both of you taking longer doing things that turn you on before having intercourse (like hugging, kissing, clitoral and breast stimulation).
• Your partner's penis may be bumping into your cervix. This moves your uterus a little bit and the ligaments attached to your uterus can get cramped. You may feel sharp pain in your lower abdomen and have cramps even after you are finished having sex. Talk to your partner about the discomfort you are having and try changing positions: have sex with both of you on your sides rather than with your partner on top. Have sex with you on top.
• Some pain with intercourse is caused by the muscles in your vagina tightening up and making it hard or even impossible for your partner's penis to enter your vagina. This is called vaginismus. It may be caused by emotional factors like negative feelings about sex in your family while you were growing up, or fear of injury to your sexual organs. This can usually be cured through counseling and/or sex therapy.

Lack of Sexual Feeling

An old-fashioned and incorrect term for women who haven't yet learned to enjoy sex is "frigid". Today we call this female nonresponsivity.

Actually, it's normal to not have sexual feelings sometimes. If it happens most of the time, however, you might be wondering why. You may have noticed that you enjoyed sex with one partner but not with another. Or perhaps you like being close to your partner but get turned off when he wants to have sex with you. Maybe you don't enjoy sex at all, and think of it as an ordeal to be avoided or endured. Some causes of nonresponsivity are:

• Unhappiness, depression
• Fear of becoming pregnant
• Being tired all the time
• Negative sexual experiences as a child
• A negative attitude towards sex in your family
• Having problems in your relationship
• Having been raped
• Hormone imbalance
• Birth control pills. If you think the pill has caused you to lose some of your sexual feelings, see your doctor or clinic. You may need to switch to another type of pill, or to another method of birth control (an IUD, diaphragm, foam, condom, suppositories). But DON'T STOP TAKING YOUR PILLS until you have a different pill or a reliable method of birth control! You will need to talk to your doctor about the physical causes, and perhaps to a counselor about the emotional parts of nonresponsivity.

Counseling

If you want help with your sexual concerns, ask your doctor or clinic for a referral to an experienced sex therapist or counselor. If you can't afford to pay regular fees, look for a mental health clinic that has a sliding scale. Many hospitals, medical schools and universities offer low-cost counseling as well. Sex counseling helps many people the success rate is high.

It might help to understand more about your sexuality. Many women have learned about sexual concerns and orgasm by reading a book, like For Yourself, by Lonnie Barbach.

Communication

You may have noticed that for each of the sexuality problems in this handout, the possible solution is always to TALK to someone:

• Your partner
• Your doctor
• A counselor or therapist

Not being able to communicate is always the basic sexual problem. Talking about sex and asking for what you need from your partner can be very hard! Figuring out what things are troubling you and stopping you from enjoying your sexuality can also be difficult. But being aware of your feelings and sharing them with your partner, can help you take more pleasure in sex and life in general.

Learning to communicate is the key to enjoying healthy sexual feelings.